Think you’re a better gamer now than you used to be?

Have gamers gotten better or have games gotten easier? A recent poll by G4’s X-Play showed overwhelmingly that gamers felt like they have gotten better. I immediately fell out of my chair laughing, knowing fully that this poll was nonsense and that gamers have become too proud in their next gen achievements. Anyone with a bit of video game history under their belt should fully know that games have gotten easier as each generation passes.

Sure, I would like to think that I continue to rise in my gaming proficiency — and even though that may be partially true — I still respect and understand the fact that games have gotten easier. Easy games are a dime a dozen these days, with the rare shining jewel providing a rite of passage for any true gamer.

Look at Super Mario Galaxy or the God of War series. These games are, for the most part, easy. I’m not implying that easy equals bad, just that the base difficulty isn’t anything to write home about. Now look at Capcom’s Devil May Cry series (not the second one because it was a joke). These games instantly take gamers back to the days when we used to throw our controllers across the bedroom. I still enjoy the bragging rights from beating Devil May Cry on Dante Must Die difficulty. But who brags about beating The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess? Once again, I’m not implying that easy games aren’t good. Honestly, there is something fulfilling to playing Metroid Prime 3: Corruption or No More Heroes without many problems that force you to repeatedly play the same section over and over again until you can finally beat it. Perhaps those games are more about the “fun” factor than difficulty.

But what about the golden days of video games? What happened to the days when you were proud to tell everyone that you were able to beat Ghosts and Goblins? No one cared about the story or graphics. It was the act of beating this hellish game that gave gamers street cred. And street cred was what gaming was all about back on the school playground. Who cared about anything else when you could tell everyone that you beat the newest, most insane game? We all knew that one kid who said he beat games, but in reality, he couldn’t do it. You remember, he’d be surrounded by some of his friends at recess telling them how to kill the last boss and spoiling the ending.

I can still remember calling shenanigans on one of my classmates after he was bragging that the key to killing Wart at the end of Super Mario Bros. 2 was by catching his crown and throwing it back at him. Oh, how good it felt to prove him wrong in front of his cronies. Hey, if your childhood wasn’t built on topping other gamer’s achievements then I just feel sorry that you missed out. Have I mentioned that ending a game with “It was all a dream,” sucks?

But I digress.

Sit back and enjoy while this old timer takes a trip down memory lane at some of the toughest Nintendo titles to ever grace the eyes of gamers. And for those of you who fit into the majority in the aforementioned poll, grab a pencil and paper. School is in session and there will be a test. In no particular order, I give you the bane of my childhood:

1. Battletoads

Strange and awkward platforming with enemies that can interrupt your attacks with just a sneeze, the original Battletoads had gamers screaming for mercy. Like most old titles, players weren’t granted the ability to continue after they had lost their lives. Instead, Battletoads kept the hardcore trend of that gaming generation by making players start at the beginning of the game if they lost all of their lives, leaving you shouting fourth-grade insults at the top of your lungs.

The game was quite simply put: hell. Did you watch the video above of the speed tunnel on the third level? Anyone remember screaming at their controller over it? There’s nothing quite like having to avoid barriers on a speeding hoverbike while the screen moves like your watching a Sonic the Hedgehog video game. Be honest, it didn’t matter how great you were at Battletoads, the speed tunnel was the great equalizer. Thankfully, though, I can still hear that sick beat-boxing rhythm whenever you would press pause.

2. Track and Field 2

That’s right, Track and Field 2. Just typing the name of this Konami title has my hands trembling. In fact, I partially blame Track and Field 2 for any deficiency in the dexterity skills of my hands. In this game, there was no room for second place. Seriously, the game wanted to see near perfection out of the gamer if you wanted to progress. If I had a nickel for all the times that I didn’t even make it past the first day…

For some reason or another, my character would always look like an insipid peg when it came to performing the pole vault. The game’s saving grace, however, was the NES Max controller. Thank the gods for whomever developed the turbo controller. Had it not been for this ingenious invention, I am sure that my hands would have spontaneously combusted as I repeatedly failed the triple jump, forcing me to now feed myself through a straw because my hands fail to work anymore. Have you ever had both hands fall asleep on you? Have you tried cutting a steak in this condition? That’s what life was like playing Track and Field 2 without the NES Max controller.

3. Silver Surfer

This is the granddaddy of all hard games, according to a lot of gamers. Not only did the Silver Surfer only have one hit point, but he couldn’t touch any walls or any enemies without dying. Great hero, huh? The screen moved by itself, making Silver Surfer play like a rail shooter/platform/over-head shooter hybrid. The gameplay was atrocious and the difficulty was obscene. Why did they make Silver Surfer such a winy little pillick? He’s the destroyer of planets for crying out loud.

Once again, Silver Surfer subscribed to the hardcore-generational trend by not allowing continues. The game had only one difficulty setting: nightmare. Ok, it didn’t really have a nightmare difficulty, but it was definitely implied. Watching the picture of Silver Surfer sulking on his surfboard after you died still haunts my dreams, and since I died repeatedly, I got to see the same sad image every few minutes. Silver Surfer may forever burn in hell. But hey, at least I was able to beat it without the Game Genie. That’s me bragging, if you couldn’t tell. Beating this game is all the street cred I need.

4. Ninja Gaiden

So Ninja Gaiden usually doesn’t make it on these lists, but those of you who played it know of the difficulty that Jaquio’s stage was wrapped around. It wasn’t the fact that the enemies were too difficult or that the platforming was incredibly hard, it was the knock-back ability that every enemy caused to the young ninja after each and every hit. Jaquio’s stage was littered with tight jumps and it never failed that some tiny bat would fly into me in mid air, knocking Ryu to his death. Apparently Tecmo felt that when it came to bats hitting you, ninja equaled run in the corner and assume the fetal position, which by the way, Ryu literally looked like he did once he got hit.

Does everyone remember that horrible sound when you got hit; the sound a duck makes when it face plants into your radiator? Dear God, why must the bats always be flying when I am in mid air? It would never fail that as soon as I jumped, a bat would appear from off screen. It made the last level hideous to play. In fact, I don’t think I ever beat the game without the use of the Game Genie. Curse you Guardia de Mieux!

5. Castlevania

Simon Belmont is my hero. Period. Who else had the sands to consistently beat the undead out of Dracula? Of course, we’re not talking about the Simon Belmont from the popular Saturday morning cartoon, Captain N: the Game Master. That Simon was a wimp that looked and talked like he belonged on the back nine at the local country club. He might as well have been wearing a red ascot, solving mysterious crimes committed by creepy pedophiles with the help of a talking dog and stoner. I’m talking about the whip-lashing, holy water-throwing, axe-hurling vampire hunter from the game that we all remember so well. In my opinion, the original is a legend in video game history. Dark themes, great action and an extremely high difficulty rating. The soundtrack was blazing and Dracula’s castle was fun as hell to play through.

If you didn’t think it was hard having to dodge all those flying Medusa heads on the second level, then you no doubt realized the insane difficulty when Igor started jumping around you like a monkey during feeding time at the zoo. Just that now the zookeeper is Frankenstein’s monster and Igor doesn’t throw feces at you. Also, you throw crosses instead of bananas. Admittedly, though, the game would have still rocked had Igor actually thrown feces at you. But rejoice for you have slain the monster and the good doctor’s assistant. What did the game give you next, but Death himself.

Was there anything more difficult than the Grim Reaper and his legion of flying scythes? I can remember a kid in my neighborhood who was able to have all the latest tech gadgets because his mommy and daddy didn’t love each other anymore, who had the NES Advantage controller and swore that slow motion was the key to killing the Grim Reaper. Little did I know that slow motion only prolonged the anguish. You see, it wasn’t actually slow motion. The NES Advantage would just repeatedly press the pause button for you, giving the illusion of slow motion. Pretty ghetto if you ask me. Sure, it felt like you lasted longer, but it really didn’t help at all. After many attempts, though, I finally got the chance to confront Dracula and send him back to the grave. The image of the crumbling castle was all I ever needed to prove my gaming worth. It only happened once and it was one of my proudest gaming moments.

6. Kid Icarus

One of the most overlooked platformers, Kid Icarus was also one of the hardest title to ever grace a home console. The game seemed relentless in how the levels would stretch on and on. The player’s ability to make Pit walk off the left side of the screen and appear on the right side made the platforming that much more difficult. Not to mention the fact that once you went up, you couldn’t go back down. There were also side scrolling aspects to the game, but sadly I never got a chance to beat this title. Kid Icarus is a game that goes down in history as one that I wished I had conquered. It’s the one that got away.

Sure, Pit may have looked like a rejected concept design of one of the villains in The Running Man, but anyone who doubts Kid Icarus’ place in the annals of difficult games obviously never got to experience the eggplant wizards. (I’ve always wanted to write “eggplant wizards” in a published story.)

7. Karnov

This circus performing, fireball spitting, bald, fat man was the protagonist in an extremely difficult title. Now that I think about it, Karnov almost sounds like an old martial arts instructor of mine, just without the baldness and instead of spitting fireballs, the man constantly heaved anything he consumed. Karnov also resembled everyone’s drunk uncle who would always take his shirt off at family reunions, proving once again that a person’s overabundance of gluttony is blissful ignorance when it comes to people’s perception of you. Anyways, one or two hit points separated the player from instant death each second of this game. Enemies were many and the platforming was horrendous. I was happy the first time I was able to beat this mammoth until I witnessed the ending. It has been long debated that Karnov has the worst ending ever. Spoiler alert: this is all there is to the ending. The player is greeted with a black screen with the words, “Congratulations,” and “The End.”

The game was a nightmare to complete and that’s all the developer saw fit to award the player with. It’s infuriating even as I think of it now. But hey, at least I saw it without having to look it up on YouTube.

8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Who was this game’s target audience anyways? Could they have made this game any more difficult? We were all fans of the cartoon, we all had the action figures, but why did we have to become a lifeless d-bag like that long haired, bearded guy in King of Kong to be able to beat this game? I think it was the big cosmic joke of my childhood, really. Who was the coolest ninja turtle for kids? Michaelangelo, right? Well as soon as the player selected Michaelangelo he or she knew they were in for a world of disappointment when they swung his nunchaku for the first time. “Cowabunga” must really mean, “I suck, therefore only use me as a last resort.”

Enemies would constantly reappear if they moved off the screen and the Turtle van had the same life as the ninja turtles, for some strange reason. The game’s saving innovation was allowing players to switch out turtles on the fly, but this only proved partially helpful since the only turtle worth using was the bo staff-wielding Donatello. Go figure, the nerd was the only turtle to figure out that a good reach advantage is everything in this bolloxed game.

And what was up with the Technodrome stage? Why would the ninja turtles just start smacking the outside of this colossal beast with their puny weapons? Even with the Game Genie, players weren’t guaranteed to see the end. I can remember there being one jump in particular on the airport stage that if you missed and fell into the pit, you were permanently stuck until you restarted the game. The infinite life granted by the great Game Genie only mocked you as you watched the poor ninja turtle flail in stupidity. Why were the jumps so hard in this game? They were supposed to be fricking ninjas! If anyone actually progressed to Shredder and beat him, I commend thee. If I was wearing a hat, I would tip it. You sir or madam, are a legend in my eyes.

9. Mega Man

There wasn’t much to the box art except some dude who looked nothing like Mega Man. Instead, he looked like a mix between Captain Power and the Tron Guy. The next thing I noticed about Mega Man was the ability to choose which level you wanted to play first. A great and integral feature to a gamer’s success.

I almost lost myself thinking about Silver Surfer there for a second. Ok, I’ve stabbed myself in the leg with a pen and I’m back and focused once again on Mega Man.

The level design in this game rocked, as well as the ability to use the power of enemy robots. This new ability would be the Achilles’ heel for one of the other robots. The problem, however, was that you had to defeat at least one of the robots with the default marshmallow puff-shooting mega blaster. This essentially meant that your first fight would be one of the toughest. I lost track of how many times Cutsman took me to the woodshed. Seriously, I basically lived in it. The guy was relentless when it came to serving me my ass on a scissory-filled plate of death

Another note on the level design was the fact that the Gutsman and Iceman stages were two of the most infuriating stages of my entire career as a gamer. I don’t really know how to explain the stages into words, since I find myself trying to fight back tears from thinking about them. Just know that Capcom is responsible for ruining my childhood.

At least it was fun to see Mega Man jump around like he was the grand marshal of a colorful parade.

10. Ghosts and Goblins

I saved the best for last. This title stands above all others when it comes to gamer torture. In fact, the word torture isn’t even enough to describe this game, but out of fear of having the clothes knocked off of me by the gods of gaming, I will just say that Ghosts and Goblins is the most formidable challenge that I have ever seen on any console. It is masochism at its best.

Just for the record, curse you again Capcom! There’s a special place in Hell for all of you. In fact, I’m pretty sure Dante Aligheri created a new circle of the Inferno just for you. Enjoy it sadists! You are everything that is wrong with me.

I feel better now. This game, though, was honestly incredible. Right from the start you are greeted with a barrage of zombies coming out of the ground at you. Two hits and you die. Time runs out and you die. Blink for a second and you die. Think about your next action and you die. Key to this game was using your pure gaming instincts to get you through it. Players had to adopt the idea of mushin, or no mind. Therefore, I believe only the great zen masters of our time were actually able to beet this colossus.

And the red demons. God, why did there have to be red demons?

This game separated the men from the boys and I wished that I would have had the sands to actually beat this beast, but sadly I could not. For those of you who could, then your chiseled visage deserves to be on display in the Pantheon of gaming achievement. You, my revered and esteemed god of gaming, will be the recipient of a much deserved toast later tonight. This pint of Smithwiths is on you.

Now there are of course numerous titles that may have graced this list, because to be quite honest, probably more than half of all NES titles were steaming piles of hell spawn. But the fact of the matter is that even today, I can’t beat the above listed games on a consistent basis. I know I’ve become a better gamer, but these games go beyond mere finger and hand dexterity. They demand that the player achieve a sort of gaming ascension, a state of perfect satori.

And if at any time I feel my skills have gone to my head, it only takes five minutes with one of these titles to bring me back to reality. Oh, how sweet it is to be humbled by 8-bit glory.

And by the way, Top Gun… yeah, you know who you are. Don’t fret, I haven’t forgotten about you. That’s not a bogey on your six, it’s one pissed off gamer.

Got any games that make your list? Wanna brag that you’ve beaten some of the most notorious games in history? Take it to the My Wii News forums and share.

Wii Fit = Mii Tired

I’ll be honest, when Nintendo revealed Wii Fit at last year’s E3, I was anything but excited. However, once my wife saw the footage — a woman who hasn’t played a video game since Tetris for the Gameboy came out — she immediately said, “We should buy that.” I should also point out that we didn’t even own a Nintendo Wii at this time, so I couldn’t help but raise my ears a little bit.

I know the excitement that comes on the day a game is going to launch, but my wife has never had such a feeling. In fact, it’s probably safe to assume that she could never understand why I got so excited about such a thing in the first place. It is, after all, only a game.

Then came Wednesday, May 21.

My gym-loving wife had already called a few stores and purchased Wii Fit, all before lunchtime. She told me afterwards that she finally knows why I get excited on launch day.

Wii Fit is a great supplement for anyone’s workout routine. Using the slightly heavy and durable Wii balance board, Wii Fit tracks a user’s weight and BMI (Body Mass Index) by measuring the user’s weight and height. After some calculating, the game will tell you if you are underweight, ideal, overweight or obese. Be prepared to hear the truth. The balance board doesn’t lie. In fact, it will go as far as making your preset Miis larger or smaller depending on the result.

From there, the game’s calendar allows you to track your progress as you work towards your goal of becoming more fit.

While Wii Fit may look quite simple, the techniques employed in the game can be quite laborious for people who have never done them before. Players will have the option between various Yoga poses, strength exercises, aerobics and balance mini-games. All present a good level of challenge, even for those who regularly exercise. An exercise trainer is built into the game to offer tips, encouragement and even suggestions as a means to maximize your workout.

The Yoga section allows the player to improve their balance, body control and posture through slow and focused positions. A yellow circle is placed on the screen and players must focus to keep a small red dot in the center of the circle for an extended time, all the while executing proper breathing and posture position. The exercise requires great focus and attention to the body’s center.

Strength exercises have the player doing everything from push-ups to lunges. These exercises are meant to push the player’s endurance as they must perform the activities with precision along a monitored tempo. After four exercises, I was ready to call it quits and retire to the couch to enjoy some much needed rest. The strength building techniques work on all aspects of the body, including upper body, abs and lower body.

The aerobics section is meant to get the player’s heart rate up. There are several activities, including step aerobics, jogging and cooperative running to improve the player’s cardio. The step aerobics are very intuitive and players are judged by how precise their movements are. Jogging and running employ a Mii trainer for you to follow on your desired length of run. Players will need to utilize the Wii Remote by either placing it in a pocket or holding it in their hand while running.

The balance games are used as a way to mask actual physical training. Games such as using a Hula-Hoop, walking a tight-rope and slalom skiing are just a few of the games that players can have fun completing and unlocking.

The game works on all levels. It not only provides an intense workout, but it is presented in a way that makes everything easy and inviting. The latter being the most significant for those who are apprehensive about working out. Exercising can be quite intimidating if you have never touched foot in a gym before. However, Wii Fit provides a very warm and inviting presence, allowing players to ease themselves into the game’s workout routine.

But there lies the rub.

Even though I was able to set a daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly goal, the game doesn’t provide any feedback as to how to actually go about completing your goal. The player is given the tools and techniques, but they are left feeling lost when it comes to actually developing a routine, which is perhaps the most significant part of working out. For people who have never exercised before, how are they supposed to know the frequency and order of techniques to work on? Sure, the game may say that you are obese, but how do you go about improving on your health? It turns into a game of blind darts, where players just close their eyes and randomly select a fitness technique to work on.

This is where Wii Fit fails. The game does a great job of explaining each and every exercise, but there needs to be some way to give people a set routine. Perhaps the game should have launched with preset routines that could be scaled in difficulty. Otherwise, the player is left feeling lost in a sea of fitness techniques, which is sorely the case.

So while Wii Fit provides players with the tools to improve their health, it doesn’t provide a direction for players to follow. It’s like telling someone they need to drive to Albuquerque, New Mexico when they’ve never been there before. The driver is given a car and a full tank of gas, but no map. The end result is a lost driver meandering aimlessly until he finally gets tired of being confused. The basic principle of working out is to develop a routine and stick with it, which Wii Fit fails to provide. Any gym rat will tell you that repetition and consistency is the most important aspect of having a successful and meaningful workout. I’m confident that Wii Fit works at its goal of making the player healthier, but how many people will lose sight and give up when they find out that they don’t have the proper direction and guidance in game?

The Wii balance board then just becomes another useless peripheral that they shelled out hard-earned money for.

This is where I can see the Internet being a major player in the game’s success. By utilizing the Wii Channels, Wii Fit could sponsor an actual instructor to host fitness classes. This way, not only would the player have additional instruction on the techniques, but guidance on how to build a proper workout. Virtual Yoga classes, step aerobics classes and virtual marathons are all things that Wii Fit should be striving for if Nintendo really wants to revolutionize home fitness.

If the game can garner more direction, through the use of online sources, then Wii Fit can become a standard for any home exercise enthusiast. Until then… it just might be doomed to be another fancy paperweight.

The Color of a Game; A Commentary on Resident Evil

I am fully aware that we live in an age — and country — that demands that people walk on egg shells when it comes to communicating with other people. I also realize that no matter what you say, there is probably someone, someplace that could take offense to it.

Enter the trailer for Capcom’s upcoming installment of the zombie shoot ‘em up series, Resident Evil 5.

Even though RE5 isn’t scheduled for a Wii release, the franchise is still a part of every Nintendo gamer’s canon of games, especially considering the Wii’s nearly flawless port of Resident Evil 4

Since the trailer’s release at E3 ‘07, video game and socio-political pundits have been in arms over the racist overtones in the trailer. In many ways, those crying “racism” remind me of the very same torch and pitchfork mobs found in RE4. Well, if they are the same manipulated mobs, then I will gladly take the part of RE5’s Chris Redfield.

Lock and load, baby.

Newsweek’s N’Gai Croal was one of the first to voice his uneasiness about the trailer. Soon, everyone was crying wolf at RE5, including the outspoken X-Play co-host Adam Sessler in his soapbox web special. However, I applaud writers like Gameworld Network’s Brian Allen, who defended Capcom and RE5.

I have watched the trailer many times, and enjoyed it each time. Even though it looks exactly like RE4 — except instead of Spaniards, they are Africans — it made my heart race with the thought of having an entire village assault baring down on me. All the time, you, as the gamer, are fully-aware that you only have one clip of bullets for your handgun and two shotgun shells. Ah, how I love the new age of Resident Evil games.

Of course, now I must ask myself the question as to whether or not I am a racist because I enjoyed the trailer. I also enjoyed Black Hawk Down and Schindler’s List. Maybe I am a racist after all. Or maybe, just maybe, I can take a form of media entertainment for exactly what it is: entertainment.

Capcom (a Japanese company) isn’t making a game for white Americans to play so that they can expel the fears that they have towards “the black man” by mowing down mindless legions of them. I say mindless, but if they are anything like the Spaniards in RE4, they will be anything but mindless. Just thinking about it makes me conjure up feelings of how I longed for rows of dumb zombies in previous games of the series. Sorry, for the digression. I’ll get back to my point now - you can’t honestly believe that Capcom’s goal was to produce racist propaganda.

Ok, then it was Capcom who, instead of being out-right racist, was instead insensitive. How dare Capcom show African villagers in an African village. Hell, take the image of Chris Redfield walking through the village, replace him with *insert famous white celebrity here* and you have a common occurrence on television.

Sure, Brad Pitt doesn’t shoot the villagers, but then again, the villagers don’t become zombie-like and attack Pitt, either.

People, and Americans in general, need to stop making race such a large issue. Don’t people realize that every time we point out that a black man is running for president, or how a black coach won the SuperBowl, or that February is Black History month, that we are actually drawing even more of a racial distinction based on our cultural differences? In America, a country of mixed cultures, shouldn’t we just except people for who they are? If that is in fact the case, then stop making it news every time a person of another race does something special.

If we want to progress beyond race, we have to stop making race an issue. Good or bad; stop it. So what if Indianapolis Colts’ coach Tony Dungy is the first black man to win the Superbowl? If we spotlight it, all we do is magnify the issue that he has racial and cultural differences that set him apart from white caucasians.

Those who are attacking RE5 from within the industry are also those that have otherwise defended it, often saying that games like Grand Theft Auto, Postal and Mass Effect have no damaging effects on the minds of gamers. Yet, they seem to think that RE5 will be different. RE5 will somehow heighten a player’s desensitization to cultural differences. It will fuel a gamer’s disrespect for “different” people.

While we’re on the subject, let’s focus on the racial issues found in a few other games. How about the critically-acclaimed Gears of War. I mean, come on, look at how stereotypical the character, Cole Train, is. Can he fit the stereotype of urban black man any more than he already does? How about Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas? Do I even need to remind people of the terrifyingly negative images portrayed by the African American protagonist as he waged crimes all over the cityscape?

Wake up, people.

RE5 is just a game — just like those previously listed — and is not a commentary on racial issues, nor is it a lesson on insensitivity for other races. The moment we, as gamers, start attacking games, is when Jack Thompson and the other pinheads start winning. Just pick up the controller and play the game.

If, after you are finished, you find the game morally reprehensible, then maybe you should take a long vacation and relax for a while. Might I suggest, Africa?

Of J. Alfred Prufrock’s Love Song and the Wii

Well, it finally happened.

My editor at the newspaper that I write for gave me my most dreaded assignment ever. Just as I sat down at my desk, before I could even finish my cup of iced coffee, she asks, “Can you go to the local senior citizen’s center to take pictures and do a story of them playing the Nintendo Wii?”

My heart sank, not only because I am a gamer, but because I also value my journalistic integrity. Thoughts filled my mind of how I would be coerced to watch senior citizens enjoy Wii Sports and how numb I and dirty I would feel from doing so. All the while I would be forced to maintain a smiling demeanor, while my inner nature cried “Shenanigans!”

All just to immortalize the moment in my newspaper.

It was one of my biggest fears since the Wii’s launch. There isn’t a day that you can’t search Google news and find at least one story about senior citizens playing the Wii, and now after everything, I would be contributing to this plague of hype cause by news outlets everywhere.

Please, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for seniors playing video games. Such mental activities can not only possibly stifle dementia, but the motion controls of the Wii actually get them out of their chairs and moving. But reporting on this is a nightmare. In fact, I’m pretty sure Dante Aligheri mentions this at the beginning of Canto III of “The Divine Comedy” when approaching the gates of the Inferno:

“Through me you pass into the city of woe

Through me you pass into eternal pain

Through me among the people lost for aye.

Justice the founder of my fabric moved

To rear me was the task of Power divine,

Supremest Wisdom, and primevel Love.

Before me things create were none, save things

Eternal, and eternal I endure.

All hope abandon, ye who report on senior citizens enjoying the Wii.”

On second thought, I may not be remembering that exactly how I first read it. Anyways, I digress.

I sat there, motionless in my chair as my editor waited for my response. Time slowed and I knew that I had to come up with a response before she threw her Swingline at me to wake me up.

All the time, I kept thinking of poor T.S. Eliot’s J. Alfred Prufrock:

“I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,

And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,

And in short, I was afraid.”

I could feel my heart slow to a numbing tempo as anguish poured over me. I, too, could feel Death grabbing me, laughing as my integrity was about to die. Was I ever more afraid? I suppose some journalists would have just bit their lip and taken the assignment without a word. But I couldn’t. The gamer in me was crying, “Foul!”

I then launched into a diatribe of how constant media attention of senior citizens enjoying mind-numbing casual games has caused Wii gamers everywhere to endure a monsoon of lack-luster titles. This is all because grandma and grandpa can swing a Wiimote. I questioned — to myself — if I was over stepping my boundaries as a staff reporter, but I couldn’t help myself. This journalistic injustice had to stop.

I continued, telling her that I am indeed a gamer — specifically the Wii — and that this type of publicity only makes things worse for people like me; real gamers. Every time a story of some old person bowling a strike or hitting a hole in one gets published, developers see one more reason why it is okay to publish titles that don’t even deserve the sad distinction of a discount bin.

Also, every time senior citizens are reportedly enjoying the Wii, an angel loses its wings.

And now, after everything that I have written and spoken on, I was going to feed the beast. I was now going to show how great the Wii is for old people. I sighed and thought about how I would rather set a basket of kittens on fire, before kicking them off of a cliff.

I finished explaining my biased point of view on the topic, and instead of hearing legions of gamers cheering me as I stepped down from my platform, I just heard the voice of my editor, laughing at what I had just told her. Wanna know the best part? I convinced her and we are not covering it.

It seems she, too, has a part in J. Alfred Prufrock’s love song:

“I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves

Combing the white hair of the waves blown back

When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea

By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown

Till human voices wake us, and we drown.”

It would seem that the mermaids have stopped singing for her. My voice — the human voice — has finally awoken her. How sweet it is to drown.

Harmonix: Lack of Memory Means No DLC for Rock Band

As Wii owners, we are used to the way Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 owners look down on us for having an inferior system. But it isn’t just players who are being critical.

Harmonix, originators of the Guitar Hero series and sole creators of Rock Band, publicized the Wii’s lack of memory space for downloadable content in a recent interview with CVG:

“Come on Nintendo, we need a hard drive,” said Harmonix design director Rob Kay in an interview with CVG. “That’s what we want. The whole problem is there’s nowhere to store it. If the platform could do it, we’d jump on it. It’s something that we championed to Nintendo, that we’d like to do it.”

As a result, Rock Band for the Wii will not offer any DC, since there isn’t enough memory to do so.

In the age of digital media, it is tough to even fathom a half-way intelligent reason why the Wii was shipped with such low memory capacity. Frequent buyers of Virtual Console games have already noticed this, reporting that they can download a lot of older NES titles, but only a couple of N64 titles before they are out of memory.

IGN reported that Harmonix has sold more than $6 million in DC for the PS3 and Xbox 360 Rock Band versions. With that kind of money train coming in, it’s no wonder why Harmonix is critical of Nintendo’s lack of memory for the Wii.

How far will the Wii’s 512MB memory last when WiiWare is released to the American public? Sure, you can copy games over to an SD card, but you can’t play them from the card; forcing gamers to painstakingly cut and copy games every time they want to play a title that’s not currently on their Wii. It’s minuscule memory is especially laughable when compared to the current memory capabilities of the Xbox 360 and PS3, which range from 20 to 120GB. In this age of downloadable content (DLC), Nintendo’s decision to not include a larger harddrive seems like nothing more than sheer negligence.

Nintendo of America President Reggie Fils-Aime has promised Wii gamers exciting news at the upcoming E3. While this writer was initially hoping for a new Kid Icarus title, I would rather see announcements about my beloved console’s hard drive and a more user-friendly online feature, such as Xbox Live.