Think you’re a better gamer now than you used to be?
Have gamers gotten better or have games gotten easier? A recent poll by G4’s X-Play showed overwhelmingly that gamers felt like they have gotten better. I immediately fell out of my chair laughing, knowing fully that this poll was nonsense and that gamers have become too proud in their next gen achievements. Anyone with a bit of video game history under their belt should fully know that games have gotten easier as each generation passes.
Sure, I would like to think that I continue to rise in my gaming proficiency — and even though that may be partially true — I still respect and understand the fact that games have gotten easier. Easy games are a dime a dozen these days, with the rare shining jewel providing a rite of passage for any true gamer.
Look at Super Mario Galaxy or the God of War series. These games are, for the most part, easy. I’m not implying that easy equals bad, just that the base difficulty isn’t anything to write home about. Now look at Capcom’s Devil May Cry series (not the second one because it was a joke). These games instantly take gamers back to the days when we used to throw our controllers across the bedroom. I still enjoy the bragging rights from beating Devil May Cry on Dante Must Die difficulty. But who brags about beating The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess? Once again, I’m not implying that easy games aren’t good. Honestly, there is something fulfilling to playing Metroid Prime 3: Corruption or No More Heroes without many problems that force you to repeatedly play the same section over and over again until you can finally beat it. Perhaps those games are more about the “fun” factor than difficulty.
But what about the golden days of video games? What happened to the days when you were proud to tell everyone that you were able to beat Ghosts and Goblins? No one cared about the story or graphics. It was the act of beating this hellish game that gave gamers street cred. And street cred was what gaming was all about back on the school playground. Who cared about anything else when you could tell everyone that you beat the newest, most insane game? We all knew that one kid who said he beat games, but in reality, he couldn’t do it. You remember, he’d be surrounded by some of his friends at recess telling them how to kill the last boss and spoiling the ending.
I can still remember calling shenanigans on one of my classmates after he was bragging that the key to killing Wart at the end of Super Mario Bros. 2 was by catching his crown and throwing it back at him. Oh, how good it felt to prove him wrong in front of his cronies. Hey, if your childhood wasn’t built on topping other gamer’s achievements then I just feel sorry that you missed out. Have I mentioned that ending a game with “It was all a dream,” sucks?
But I digress.
Sit back and enjoy while this old timer takes a trip down memory lane at some of the toughest Nintendo titles to ever grace the eyes of gamers. And for those of you who fit into the majority in the aforementioned poll, grab a pencil and paper. School is in session and there will be a test. In no particular order, I give you the bane of my childhood:
1. Battletoads
Strange and awkward platforming with enemies that can interrupt your attacks with just a sneeze, the original Battletoads had gamers screaming for mercy. Like most old titles, players weren’t granted the ability to continue after they had lost their lives. Instead, Battletoads kept the hardcore trend of that gaming generation by making players start at the beginning of the game if they lost all of their lives, leaving you shouting fourth-grade insults at the top of your lungs.
The game was quite simply put: hell. Did you watch the video above of the speed tunnel on the third level? Anyone remember screaming at their controller over it? There’s nothing quite like having to avoid barriers on a speeding hoverbike while the screen moves like your watching a Sonic the Hedgehog video game. Be honest, it didn’t matter how great you were at Battletoads, the speed tunnel was the great equalizer. Thankfully, though, I can still hear that sick beat-boxing rhythm whenever you would press pause.
That’s right, Track and Field 2. Just typing the name of this Konami title has my hands trembling. In fact, I partially blame Track and Field 2 for any deficiency in the dexterity skills of my hands. In this game, there was no room for second place. Seriously, the game wanted to see near perfection out of the gamer if you wanted to progress. If I had a nickel for all the times that I didn’t even make it past the first day…
For some reason or another, my character would always look like an insipid peg when it came to performing the pole vault. The game’s saving grace, however, was the NES Max controller. Thank the gods for whomever developed the turbo controller. Had it not been for this ingenious invention, I am sure that my hands would have spontaneously combusted as I repeatedly failed the triple jump, forcing me to now feed myself through a straw because my hands fail to work anymore. Have you ever had both hands fall asleep on you? Have you tried cutting a steak in this condition? That’s what life was like playing Track and Field 2 without the NES Max controller.
This is the granddaddy of all hard games, according to a lot of gamers. Not only did the Silver Surfer only have one hit point, but he couldn’t touch any walls or any enemies without dying. Great hero, huh? The screen moved by itself, making Silver Surfer play like a rail shooter/platform/over-head shooter hybrid. The gameplay was atrocious and the difficulty was obscene. Why did they make Silver Surfer such a winy little pillick? He’s the destroyer of planets for crying out loud.
Once again, Silver Surfer subscribed to the hardcore-generational trend by not allowing continues. The game had only one difficulty setting: nightmare. Ok, it didn’t really have a nightmare difficulty, but it was definitely implied. Watching the picture of Silver Surfer sulking on his surfboard after you died still haunts my dreams, and since I died repeatedly, I got to see the same sad image every few minutes. Silver Surfer may forever burn in hell. But hey, at least I was able to beat it without the Game Genie. That’s me bragging, if you couldn’t tell. Beating this game is all the street cred I need.
4. Ninja Gaiden
So Ninja Gaiden usually doesn’t make it on these lists, but those of you who played it know of the difficulty that Jaquio’s stage was wrapped around. It wasn’t the fact that the enemies were too difficult or that the platforming was incredibly hard, it was the knock-back ability that every enemy caused to the young ninja after each and every hit. Jaquio’s stage was littered with tight jumps and it never failed that some tiny bat would fly into me in mid air, knocking Ryu to his death. Apparently Tecmo felt that when it came to bats hitting you, ninja equaled run in the corner and assume the fetal position, which by the way, Ryu literally looked like he did once he got hit.
Does everyone remember that horrible sound when you got hit; the sound a duck makes when it face plants into your radiator? Dear God, why must the bats always be flying when I am in mid air? It would never fail that as soon as I jumped, a bat would appear from off screen. It made the last level hideous to play. In fact, I don’t think I ever beat the game without the use of the Game Genie. Curse you Guardia de Mieux!
5. Castlevania
Simon Belmont is my hero. Period. Who else had the sands to consistently beat the undead out of Dracula? Of course, we’re not talking about the Simon Belmont from the popular Saturday morning cartoon, Captain N: the Game Master. That Simon was a wimp that looked and talked like he belonged on the back nine at the local country club. He might as well have been wearing a red ascot, solving mysterious crimes committed by creepy pedophiles with the help of a talking dog and stoner. I’m talking about the whip-lashing, holy water-throwing, axe-hurling vampire hunter from the game that we all remember so well. In my opinion, the original is a legend in video game history. Dark themes, great action and an extremely high difficulty rating. The soundtrack was blazing and Dracula’s castle was fun as hell to play through.
If you didn’t think it was hard having to dodge all those flying Medusa heads on the second level, then you no doubt realized the insane difficulty when Igor started jumping around you like a monkey during feeding time at the zoo. Just that now the zookeeper is Frankenstein’s monster and Igor doesn’t throw feces at you. Also, you throw crosses instead of bananas. Admittedly, though, the game would have still rocked had Igor actually thrown feces at you. But rejoice for you have slain the monster and the good doctor’s assistant. What did the game give you next, but Death himself.
Was there anything more difficult than the Grim Reaper and his legion of flying scythes? I can remember a kid in my neighborhood who was able to have all the latest tech gadgets because his mommy and daddy didn’t love each other anymore, who had the NES Advantage controller and swore that slow motion was the key to killing the Grim Reaper. Little did I know that slow motion only prolonged the anguish. You see, it wasn’t actually slow motion. The NES Advantage would just repeatedly press the pause button for you, giving the illusion of slow motion. Pretty ghetto if you ask me. Sure, it felt like you lasted longer, but it really didn’t help at all. After many attempts, though, I finally got the chance to confront Dracula and send him back to the grave. The image of the crumbling castle was all I ever needed to prove my gaming worth. It only happened once and it was one of my proudest gaming moments.
6. Kid Icarus
One of the most overlooked platformers, Kid Icarus was also one of the hardest title to ever grace a home console. The game seemed relentless in how the levels would stretch on and on. The player’s ability to make Pit walk off the left side of the screen and appear on the right side made the platforming that much more difficult. Not to mention the fact that once you went up, you couldn’t go back down. There were also side scrolling aspects to the game, but sadly I never got a chance to beat this title. Kid Icarus is a game that goes down in history as one that I wished I had conquered. It’s the one that got away.
Sure, Pit may have looked like a rejected concept design of one of the villains in The Running Man, but anyone who doubts Kid Icarus’ place in the annals of difficult games obviously never got to experience the eggplant wizards. (I’ve always wanted to write “eggplant wizards” in a published story.)
7. Karnov
This circus performing, fireball spitting, bald, fat man was the protagonist in an extremely difficult title. Now that I think about it, Karnov almost sounds like an old martial arts instructor of mine, just without the baldness and instead of spitting fireballs, the man constantly heaved anything he consumed. Karnov also resembled everyone’s drunk uncle who would always take his shirt off at family reunions, proving once again that a person’s overabundance of gluttony is blissful ignorance when it comes to people’s perception of you. Anyways, one or two hit points separated the player from instant death each second of this game. Enemies were many and the platforming was horrendous. I was happy the first time I was able to beat this mammoth until I witnessed the ending. It has been long debated that Karnov has the worst ending ever. Spoiler alert: this is all there is to the ending. The player is greeted with a black screen with the words, “Congratulations,” and “The End.”
The game was a nightmare to complete and that’s all the developer saw fit to award the player with. It’s infuriating even as I think of it now. But hey, at least I saw it without having to look it up on YouTube.
8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Who was this game’s target audience anyways? Could they have made this game any more difficult? We were all fans of the cartoon, we all had the action figures, but why did we have to become a lifeless d-bag like that long haired, bearded guy in King of Kong to be able to beat this game? I think it was the big cosmic joke of my childhood, really. Who was the coolest ninja turtle for kids? Michaelangelo, right? Well as soon as the player selected Michaelangelo he or she knew they were in for a world of disappointment when they swung his nunchaku for the first time. “Cowabunga” must really mean, “I suck, therefore only use me as a last resort.”
Enemies would constantly reappear if they moved off the screen and the Turtle van had the same life as the ninja turtles, for some strange reason. The game’s saving innovation was allowing players to switch out turtles on the fly, but this only proved partially helpful since the only turtle worth using was the bo staff-wielding Donatello. Go figure, the nerd was the only turtle to figure out that a good reach advantage is everything in this bolloxed game.
And what was up with the Technodrome stage? Why would the ninja turtles just start smacking the outside of this colossal beast with their puny weapons? Even with the Game Genie, players weren’t guaranteed to see the end. I can remember there being one jump in particular on the airport stage that if you missed and fell into the pit, you were permanently stuck until you restarted the game. The infinite life granted by the great Game Genie only mocked you as you watched the poor ninja turtle flail in stupidity. Why were the jumps so hard in this game? They were supposed to be fricking ninjas! If anyone actually progressed to Shredder and beat him, I commend thee. If I was wearing a hat, I would tip it. You sir or madam, are a legend in my eyes.
9. Mega Man
There wasn’t much to the box art except some dude who looked nothing like Mega Man. Instead, he looked like a mix between Captain Power and the Tron Guy. The next thing I noticed about Mega Man was the ability to choose which level you wanted to play first. A great and integral feature to a gamer’s success.
I almost lost myself thinking about Silver Surfer there for a second. Ok, I’ve stabbed myself in the leg with a pen and I’m back and focused once again on Mega Man.
The level design in this game rocked, as well as the ability to use the power of enemy robots. This new ability would be the Achilles’ heel for one of the other robots. The problem, however, was that you had to defeat at least one of the robots with the default marshmallow puff-shooting mega blaster. This essentially meant that your first fight would be one of the toughest. I lost track of how many times Cutsman took me to the woodshed. Seriously, I basically lived in it. The guy was relentless when it came to serving me my ass on a scissory-filled plate of death
Another note on the level design was the fact that the Gutsman and Iceman stages were two of the most infuriating stages of my entire career as a gamer. I don’t really know how to explain the stages into words, since I find myself trying to fight back tears from thinking about them. Just know that Capcom is responsible for ruining my childhood.
At least it was fun to see Mega Man jump around like he was the grand marshal of a colorful parade.
I saved the best for last. This title stands above all others when it comes to gamer torture. In fact, the word torture isn’t even enough to describe this game, but out of fear of having the clothes knocked off of me by the gods of gaming, I will just say that Ghosts and Goblins is the most formidable challenge that I have ever seen on any console. It is masochism at its best.
Just for the record, curse you again Capcom! There’s a special place in Hell for all of you. In fact, I’m pretty sure Dante Aligheri created a new circle of the Inferno just for you. Enjoy it sadists! You are everything that is wrong with me.
I feel better now. This game, though, was honestly incredible. Right from the start you are greeted with a barrage of zombies coming out of the ground at you. Two hits and you die. Time runs out and you die. Blink for a second and you die. Think about your next action and you die. Key to this game was using your pure gaming instincts to get you through it. Players had to adopt the idea of mushin, or no mind. Therefore, I believe only the great zen masters of our time were actually able to beet this colossus.
And the red demons. God, why did there have to be red demons?
This game separated the men from the boys and I wished that I would have had the sands to actually beat this beast, but sadly I could not. For those of you who could, then your chiseled visage deserves to be on display in the Pantheon of gaming achievement. You, my revered and esteemed god of gaming, will be the recipient of a much deserved toast later tonight. This pint of Smithwiths is on you.
Now there are of course numerous titles that may have graced this list, because to be quite honest, probably more than half of all NES titles were steaming piles of hell spawn. But the fact of the matter is that even today, I can’t beat the above listed games on a consistent basis. I know I’ve become a better gamer, but these games go beyond mere finger and hand dexterity. They demand that the player achieve a sort of gaming ascension, a state of perfect satori.
And if at any time I feel my skills have gone to my head, it only takes five minutes with one of these titles to bring me back to reality. Oh, how sweet it is to be humbled by 8-bit glory.
And by the way, Top Gun… yeah, you know who you are. Don’t fret, I haven’t forgotten about you. That’s not a bogey on your six, it’s one pissed off gamer.
Got any games that make your list? Wanna brag that you’ve beaten some of the most notorious games in history? Take it to the My Wii News forums and share.
Uncategorized | 
Timothy W. Young | June 6, 2008
